nearly human

I think when people say they have all this energy during the 2nd trimester, they must be lying... right? Maybe it's because I'm with 25 six year olds all day, but when I get home from work, I am SO exhausted. All I want to do is get into bed and go to sleep. I wish I knew the secrets to getting some of that 2nd tri energy.

But, last weekend was fall break.... which means I only had a three-day work week. I felt nearly human the whole weekend. I actually had some energy-- I did things normal people do. I went to the gym, temple date, made dinner for my husband (which is rare and far between), I made a two layer apple spice cake from scratch (thanks martha)... no really! I just kept saying, "is this what normal people feel like? " I think i could get used to it.

I guess until Thanksgiving break... I'll become a zombie again.

so lucky

well, I finally announced that I'm pregnant! I am beyond lucky, and feel so blessed. While I am completely overjoyed, I still feel a little hesitant to write about my pregnancy, because I know there are so many women out there struggling to start a family. When I wrote my last post about my miscarriage, I received so many texts and emails from a lot of women sharing their struggle with me. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words!
  It truly just sucks... yeah, sucks. I can't think of a better word to describe the situation.  My heart goes out to you, and I am praying and hoping for you all daily.

So, I am about 22 weeks along. I'm due February 19. Once I hit 20 weeks I was so excited to be halfway there... but at the same time, I have how much longerrrrr? Mathis and I have decided to wait until the baby is born to find out the sex. I know, I know.. we're crazy. Everyone has their opinion on why this is a good or terrible idea. And I honestly welcome your opinions, although I'm not going to change my mind (hopefully :)). For now, I call the baby a she, and Mathis says he. Talk about gender confusion ha.

I have been able to feel the baby kick since about week 17, and Mathis has been able to feel her since week 18. I know this is early, but maybe the baby is just super close to my skin or something. Being able to SEE the baby move is the weirdest/most amazing thing in the world.

I feel like I took this picture soooooo long ago! Soo happy!

 

 *I know I look pretty haggered in this picture.. i just got back from the gym.** 

I've decided going to the gym pregnant makes you feel EXTRA pregnant!

I still can't believe this is real.
xoxo

this day 08.08.13

For most people, today is just another. ordinary. day. It holds no special meaning or significance. For me... this is the day I should be holding my sweet, new, baby.

Last October, Mathis and I had talked about it and decided we wanted to start “trying.” Well, December rolled around and we found out we were five weeks pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. We were so excited. I know for most couples it can take months or even years to get pregnant—and to have it happen so quickly, we felt very blessed. I was carrying a tiny human inside me.

Fast forward to January. It was a Saturday. I was about 9 ½ weeks along... and feeling awful. We had been to a friends wedding that whole day. During the reception I was not feeling good. I was having really bad cramps, so we left. When I got home, every woman's worst nightmare happened...I saw blood. We rushed to the hospital-in hopes they could do something. It seemed like we were there for days.  The doctor did an ultra sound and we could see the baby. He said he couldn’t find a heartbeat, but said that's not totally uncommon for how early it was. He decided to do another ultrasound (the one that goes inside). He told me the baby was measuring a lot smaller than 9 weeks. I knew right then and there this baby hadn’t survived. It died. And so did a piece of me. I felt so helpless. I just wished there was something I could do. He sent me home and told me to lay in bed for a few days.

Sunday night.

Late Sunday night I started having contractions. At first they just felt like really bad cramps. Then they intensified by 1000. I could barely breathe. We could time them every couple minutes. This lasted for about 2-3 hours. That night I thought I had lost the baby... I was bleeding clots the size of baseballs. Uh, is this normal??  

Monday and Tuesday.

I stayed home from work because I was still in so much pain. I could barely walk to the bathroom without crying. Those pesky cramps just would not go away.

Wednesday.

I decided I had to go back to work. I hated leaving my students with substitutes. Because my cramps were so bad, I couldn’t even stand. I had to sit in my rolly chair all day. My kids were so confused, but could tell I wasn’t feeling well. They were so sweet all day. By late afternoon my facilitator saw how much pain I was in, took over my class and sent me home.

The next 24 hours were ridiculous. 

Thursday.

As I lay in bed, I literally couldn’t even switch positions without bawling. It had been five days—how could I still be in this much pain?? We called the doctor to see if this was normal. They said the baby was probably still trying to work its way out. After a few more hours, it finally happened. The baby was gone. Physically I felt sooo much better.  Emotionally, this was the longest week of my life. It completely changed me.

I think I cried every day for the first 2 months. I felt like the worst person... I couldn’t be around my nieces and nephews. I cried every Sunday in primary. I deleted facebook off my phone, and couldn’t look at instagram. I was so happy for others who were pregnant but it made me feel so sad. Part of me just felt so empty. I was carrying this precious gift, and just like that it was gone. I didn’t realize how attached I would be after 9 short weeks. I often caught myself thinking about what milestone my baby would be at... the size of a grapefruit, growing its hair, etc. But everyday I think I got a little bit stronger.

Even though this was impossible, and I would never wish it upon anyone, I am grateful for this experience. I’m grateful for the few short weeks I could carry my baby. I’m beyond grateful for an amazing husband, family, and mostly for the most caring father in heaven. It brings me so much peace knowing He is in control, and that this was suppose to happen.

I will forever remember that week that we said goodbye, and the significance of this day. 

My sweet baby- I love you more than words can express. It breaks my heart that I never had the chance to hold you in my arms. But, I am so grateful that one day your daddy and I will see you again. You are so loved, and so missed. 

Love, Mommy

“When you carry a life and it’s there and then gone, a part of your soul dies. Forever.”

mothers day diy

Now, I don't claim to be some creative diy-er.. although, I wish I was. I follow soo blogs, and instagrammers who I dream of becoming one day. total wannabe. I try to re-create crafts I find, although they usually never turn out the same....

Last week my mom sent me a picture of this, asking if we could make it.

I think the reason she wanted/needed it is because there are 10 kids in my family, 9 married, and most with kids. uh.. talk about birthday overload! Because i'm a last minute kind of person, I decided to make this for her.. on Saturday. I liked the idea, but not really the look of it.. so i changed it a bit.  This is how it turned out {before the hundreds of names went on it}. Can I just say the cricut is the most amazing piece of equipment?

 I love celebrating my amazing mother! I am beyond lucky to be her daughter. Mothers day should be a weekly holiday... minimum!

 I hope everyone had a great m.d.

neighborly love

Every valentine's day I love to give little treats to our neighbors. We don't know a lot of people in our ward unless they're under the age of 9, //primary calling//, so gifts are my way of showing we're not totally antisocial.

This year we did little bags of cookies.

 Believe it or not, I have never made snickerdoodles before. I'm really not a huge fan, but mathis loves them, so I decided to try them on for size.

 who doesn't love cute bags + washi tape?

well... they're not much, but it was a super easy and cheap Valentines gift for our lovely neighbors!

//overly talented

I think I have the most talented friends out there. One of my best friends can make absolutely anything. She has an etsy shop where she hand makes baby clothes, and other cute things.

She also just started an instagram that I think every mom should follow! @child_hoods

Ahh I'm in love with these. I wish I had a baby that could fit into these amazing clothes. #bestdressedbabes

update

I finally gave my blog a long-time-coming update. I realized I've had this blog for over 2 years, and have only written like 15 times. Honestly, I don't really care if others read this or not, but I think it will be something nice to have when mathis and i look back and we can re-visit some of the things that happen to us throughout our marriage. [you know when people say, "this is blog is just a journal for me, blah blah blah..?" I never believed it. I always thought they really just wanted people to read about them. But seriously, this is for me. and my husband. our children. and even friends/family who want to know what we're doing with our lives.]

Lately we have been so busy with work + school I feel like we haven't had any free time. That is soon going to change. Mathis will be done (mostly) with school this summer, and I will have the whole summer to do ANYTHING. I. WANT. ah the 1 perk of being a teacher ha.

In December, I FINALLY graduated from college. 4.5 long years later. Thinking back from when I started I can't believe everything I've done.  I truly didn't know if the day would ever come. Now that it has, I'm already dreaming of going back. I loved school. I love learning. Yeah, all the homework, tests, and cranky professors suck, but it is so fun. Everyone says, "you'll wish you could go back," and they were right. The past four years have kind of been a blurrrrrr.

 

As soon as I graduated from high school, I moved into a little house with some of my closest friends. We had the craziest, most fun times.

I was able to spend 1 month with my now sister-in-law working in an orphanage in Romania. This experience was both amazing and hard. I dream of going back.

 

I took a semester and went to BYU-H. This is a view from my porch. Paradise. Literally. Here, I met some of my best friends, and had an amazing time.

I met and married the love of my life. At the time, I really didn't want to get married. I had a "missionary" and definitely wasn't looking, but I am so glad life turned out how it did. I can't imagine life without this guy.

Together we have celebrated 2 anniversary's, gone on countless trips to st. george, arizona, we went back to hawaii.. etc. I don't want to be that person that says it, but we truly have the best marriage i could ever imagine.

 wow, 4 years!  Here's to another 4.. i can't wait to find out what will happen.

Now, I am really considering going back to school for health or graphic design. What do you think? Maybe interior design, or business... too many choices!