this day 08.08.13

For most people, today is just another. ordinary. day. It holds no special meaning or significance. For me... this is the day I should be holding my sweet, new, baby.

Last October, Mathis and I had talked about it and decided we wanted to start “trying.” Well, December rolled around and we found out we were five weeks pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. We were so excited. I know for most couples it can take months or even years to get pregnant—and to have it happen so quickly, we felt very blessed. I was carrying a tiny human inside me.

Fast forward to January. It was a Saturday. I was about 9 ½ weeks along... and feeling awful. We had been to a friends wedding that whole day. During the reception I was not feeling good. I was having really bad cramps, so we left. When I got home, every woman's worst nightmare happened...I saw blood. We rushed to the hospital-in hopes they could do something. It seemed like we were there for days.  The doctor did an ultra sound and we could see the baby. He said he couldn’t find a heartbeat, but said that's not totally uncommon for how early it was. He decided to do another ultrasound (the one that goes inside). He told me the baby was measuring a lot smaller than 9 weeks. I knew right then and there this baby hadn’t survived. It died. And so did a piece of me. I felt so helpless. I just wished there was something I could do. He sent me home and told me to lay in bed for a few days.

Sunday night.

Late Sunday night I started having contractions. At first they just felt like really bad cramps. Then they intensified by 1000. I could barely breathe. We could time them every couple minutes. This lasted for about 2-3 hours. That night I thought I had lost the baby... I was bleeding clots the size of baseballs. Uh, is this normal??  

Monday and Tuesday.

I stayed home from work because I was still in so much pain. I could barely walk to the bathroom without crying. Those pesky cramps just would not go away.

Wednesday.

I decided I had to go back to work. I hated leaving my students with substitutes. Because my cramps were so bad, I couldn’t even stand. I had to sit in my rolly chair all day. My kids were so confused, but could tell I wasn’t feeling well. They were so sweet all day. By late afternoon my facilitator saw how much pain I was in, took over my class and sent me home.

The next 24 hours were ridiculous. 

Thursday.

As I lay in bed, I literally couldn’t even switch positions without bawling. It had been five days—how could I still be in this much pain?? We called the doctor to see if this was normal. They said the baby was probably still trying to work its way out. After a few more hours, it finally happened. The baby was gone. Physically I felt sooo much better.  Emotionally, this was the longest week of my life. It completely changed me.

I think I cried every day for the first 2 months. I felt like the worst person... I couldn’t be around my nieces and nephews. I cried every Sunday in primary. I deleted facebook off my phone, and couldn’t look at instagram. I was so happy for others who were pregnant but it made me feel so sad. Part of me just felt so empty. I was carrying this precious gift, and just like that it was gone. I didn’t realize how attached I would be after 9 short weeks. I often caught myself thinking about what milestone my baby would be at... the size of a grapefruit, growing its hair, etc. But everyday I think I got a little bit stronger.

Even though this was impossible, and I would never wish it upon anyone, I am grateful for this experience. I’m grateful for the few short weeks I could carry my baby. I’m beyond grateful for an amazing husband, family, and mostly for the most caring father in heaven. It brings me so much peace knowing He is in control, and that this was suppose to happen.

I will forever remember that week that we said goodbye, and the significance of this day. 

My sweet baby- I love you more than words can express. It breaks my heart that I never had the chance to hold you in my arms. But, I am so grateful that one day your daddy and I will see you again. You are so loved, and so missed. 

Love, Mommy

“When you carry a life and it’s there and then gone, a part of your soul dies. Forever.”